Larry, You Won't Believe This! The Story of When George Brett Sh*t Himself

George Brett: “Ahh. I farted. I shit my pants last night. I did. Went out and had a great meal. Just a great fuckin meal. I had to go the bathroom so bad in the car. I’m going ‘bro hurry up man I gotta shit!’ I fucking shit in my pants. I wasn’t just…I’m good twice a year for that. When was the last time you shit your pants?”

Scott Dohmann: “Me?”

GB: “Been awhile?”

SD: “Yeah it’s been a long time.”

“I was in Vegas a couple of years ago. This is an honest to God true story. I’m staying at the Bellagio. I went over to Mirage for dinner…met some friends of mine over there. went to Cocomo’s—great little steakhouse.

“Guy brings out some fresh Crab legs. ‘These just came in. I have to give them to you guys.’ Brings them out. I am eating ‘em. Then we go play…gamble a little bit. I had a tee time early in the morning. So I said look I gotta get going.

“I’m walking back to the hotel. I get 3/4s the way out of the lobby and all of the sudden I go ‘Oh Fuck!’ And I’m standing here like this. I got my butt pinched so fucking…I’m…I’m fucked I can’t move. All of sudden I felt alright I went just like this Blaaaahhhhh (mimicking the sound of a faucet on high) water. I had food poisoning from the crabs. Take off my leather jacket—tie it around my waist and I just standing there and it is just running down my leg. I got jeans on black bucks no socks, and I just start fucking walking. Every time I’m walking…something’s coming out—it’s water!

“Straight. Fucking. Water.

“Then to tell you how sick I was...tell you how sick I was. Then I am standing outside and get out my cell phone. [Loses audio] I call the guy…I say, ‘Larry, you won’t believe this. I’m standing outside the fucking Bellagio. I can’t move. I got SHIT everywhere.  I shit all over myself.’

“Larry is about a 48 waist. So he brings me over a pair of pants and some towels. Some towels. And so then he comes over. And he meets me…I tell him where I’m standing.

“He finds the closest bathroom. When you go up the escalator…you’re in the fucking…I can’t go in the elevator. It’s 12 o’clock at night! You know?

So he goes in. He finds the closest bathroom, in the lobby of the hotel. Then I get in the escalator, and he kinda pretends like he drops something so no one gets in behind me—tells me where it is—I go in there.

"He goes and gets the towel all wet for me—throws it over the fucking stall. I take off all my fucking clothes. Just wipe off. Leave my shoes…left my shoes, my pants—everything right there—the towels right there in the stall, and I am walking barefoot with my shirt and he’s pants, which are 48 waist through the lobby like this at midnight.

“I got up in the morning—took the most perfect double tapered shit I’ve ever had in my life. True story.

“Who’s the pitchers in this game?”